Well, the clock just struck 12:00
AM on December 23rd, 2024, and that means I have just turned 27
years old. I am currently sitting on my bed with my laptop typing, listening to
Christmas music from my speaker. I have a 3-hour long video from YouTube
playing on my TV next to me of a real fireplace burning, with a cup of
chocolate milk next to me (from which I just took a sip of). [Note: further
review of this letter resulted in continued sips.]
In all seriousness, I suppose the
purpose of spending the dawn of my birthday writing this is to offer an
authentic reflection on the year I’ve had. Being a holiday babe, it only seems
appropriate to use my birthday as a day of reflecting on my progression for the
year.
In a way, this has already been
written in my head, and I’m using this letter both to organize the thoughts
I’ve gathered and as a way of remembering both the good and bad times that have
contributed to such a breathtaking year I’ve had. I know that I’ve broadcasted
to my social networks the major milestones that I’ve reached this year, but
this letter is actually meant to reveal my lived reality of what those meant
for me, as well as the experiences I’ve chosen not to share that coincided. It
is a rather long letter, and there is no incentive for anyone other than me to
truly spend time reading it. I may be writing in ways that aren’t accessible for everyone, and some of the
details I provide may come at anyone’s risk.
I’ve always been reflective of my
actions and how I navigate through the world, but this is the first time I’ve
ever been compelled to write it out to remember: like, all of it. This year has
been truly transformative for me both physically and mentally. In a literary or
cinematic sense, this was the start of my coming-of-age, and I’d humor myself
by saying this letter could be used to inspire a screenplay! Perhaps, if I ever
were to branch away from academic/scholarly writing in the future, this is the
story I would use to base a book on. [Note: it’ll be interesting to look back
on that statement in the future.]
What’s interesting about this year
is that I had it all planned out this time last year, on my 26th
birthday. Had everything gone according to plan, I knew that I was going to be
graduating from Florida State University. Having just barely getting my foot
into the Honors in the Major Program, I knew that I would be continuing my
research and completing another honors thesis on Chaos and Dissociation. Had
everything gone according to plan, my isopod business endeavor would grow and
become lucrative. I also knew that it was going to be my toughest year ever,
and I also knew the biggest challenges I had to face ahead were not going to be easy. Had I stayed
true to my decision to start drinking water and stop drinking soda/added sugar,
I knew that I would reach my weight-loss goal. My personal philosophy is
principled around putting faith in myself in the face of uncertainty or uneven
odds, and my success was absolutely accrued in this belief. I knew it was going
to be a big year, and I had a plan.
To my surprise, everything went
according to plan. I ended up having the biggest year of my life! I was mostly
correct in my projections for the future; however, many other things happened
that I could not possibly prepare for—both good and bad.
As Marge from The Simpsons says in
her Christmas letter to her correspondents, this year was filled both with some
sadness and some gladness. This year, I finally started living on my own,
without family or roommates. This year, I met and connected with amazing and
truly inspiring people. This year, I had the most successful year so far at my
job both with breeding and sales. This year, I was honored with some wonderful
business opportunities that I’m excited to see grow. This year, my heart opened
up and fell in love.
********************
I
just looked at the TV, and the fireplace has died down but is being well-tended
to; they are probably about to throw some more logs in. The popping is growing
more frequent, and some logs are beginning to roll around. Occasionally there
is a whistling from the knots in the wood succumbing to the heat. The flames
are dancing ecstatically within the stone chimney, reminding me of Plato’s Allegory
of the Cave. This is a video I’ve put on my TV for a few years now, and
sometimes I use it to fall asleep. I like that it isn’t looped, and you get to
spend the entire time watching it grow then die, being fed and stoked in-between.
********************
I wanted to start off by detailing my milestone in graduating from university with honors. As I alluded to before, I started off the year having just barely getting into the Honors in the Major Program, and it was a struggle I didn’t necessarily broadcast. To summarize that, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to recruit a Clinical Psychology professor to be my thesis director for my interdisciplinary research but was unsuccessful. At the last minute, I was able to find a director in another department that specialized in the methodology I chose to focus on; however, it was after the deadline, and I had to send an additional application for approval requesting permission to apply. Miraculously, both the application for the deadline extension and the actual application to join the HITM program were approved.
I spent the entire year taking a
deep dive into scholarly research, meeting with my committee members monthly to
discuss my progress and how to move forward. I was given a very rare
opportunity to engage with graduate-level research with my involvement in this
program. To note, I spent several months learning and dealing with the bureaucracy
of research, such as getting certified to conduct research on human
participants and getting IRB approval to do my own research on people. This was
a major step for me and the biggest difference between my previous honors
thesis—taking on the social role of being the researcher conducting a study on
real people in the real world. To be honest, I thought it would be a more
nerve-wracking thing to do, being someone leading research with people I may or
may not know. I found that I adapted wonderfully to this role and was able to
identify the challenges I faced in assuming this role in a research interview
with a participant.
I enjoyed it very much, and it was
enlightening to feel that others were able to simply express themselves in the
comfort of how I conducted myself. This experience showed me that I work well
with others, and that I shouldn’t restrict myself to engaging with only research
in this field; I want to also be a clinician working with people to help them.
I wasn’t sure if this was something I was equipped to do before. I learned that
the last 10 years I’ve spent mastering my own mental health is how I’ve already
equipped myself to be in this profession. To be able to deal with the good, the
bad, and the ugly.
Amazingly, while engaging with my
research with such intensity this year, I also completed my senior coursework
to be able to graduate Florida State. I was able to pick some amazing classes,
which were not necessarily easy and often weren’t. I’ve had to deal with a lot
of close calls, and I’ve had to deal with a lot of professors to come up with
solutions. For the most part, I had a great time attending Florida State
University, and many of the difficulties I faced were natural in the face of
being both an online and honors student. I learned not only about the fields
relevant to my research; I was also able to focus on economics and learned a
lot about theories and principles that have helped and enhanced me in my
professional and personal life.
In the
end, I finished the year having completed the HITM program, meeting degree
requirements, and graduating with a 3.5 GPA with a scholarly publication. It
was a formidable experience I put myself through, but it broke me down in all
the best ways possible. Now that I am finished, I feel totally equipped for the
next steps on my journey to the moon.
********************
My journey to the moon is meant to
represent the climb to achieve my dreams. I’ve always been drawn to the
invisible sciences, but it wasn’t until I took an abnormal psych class that
someone discovered I had a gift in understanding these sciences and their
theories, and how to apply them to the real world. This recognition is what
prompted me to join the Honors Scholar program at my previous college, Florida
Southwestern, which ultimately led to the manifestation of my research on Chaos
and Dissociation. In doing this research, I learned that it was not only
something I was good at, but it was also something I enjoyed doing. It gave me
a lot of purpose and I saw how it would open the opportunities I was searching
for.
To my amazement, I discovered something in my research that was not
previously considered within the field of trauma and dissociation. This
discovery is truly what my research is attempting to unveil, and my involvement
with these honors programs was used to give me an early-start in research. With
engaging in graduate-level research so early, it created a path towards a PhD
program that will be used to fulfill my dream of being a philanthropic clinical
psychologist.
I’ve given a lot of thought into
what I wanted to do for the future, and it surprises a lot of people to know
that I will not be going into zoology/conservation. On the contrary, it is not
surprising that people would be surprised with that by how involved I am with
exotic animals. It was a dilemma I had to wrestle with for a long time that
only came into resolve through my own personal confirmations. The number one
issue with wildlife conservation is funding, meaning there is not enough money
available needed to conserve wildlife. I know that not everyone is equipped to
understand psychology and the social sciences, but it is something that comes
naturally for me and something I enjoy engaging with—it is good for me. With
that confirmation, and the knowledge of the social issues concerning wildlife
conservation, I saw the role I wanted to pursue. That is, to become a doctor in
clinical psychology and contribute towards funding wildlife conservation.
After many months and long nights
wrestling with my fate, I knew what I needed to do next, and that was to
prepare to apply for PhDs. I spent many months preparing, 6 months to be exact,
and it ended up being much more challenging than I could have ever anticipated.
I had to write many essays, I had to find and meet with professors to recommend
me to the programs, and I had to pay a lot of money to take the GRE and apply
to the different universities. In total, I spent around $500 applying for the
PhDs and I didn’t ask anyone for a single penny. I viewed this as a literal
investment in my dreams, and it was a goal of mine to pay for that myself,
albeit putting me at a significant bind.
The ultimate challenge was finding
time to do all of this in the middle of doing honors research, preparing for
graduation, working my day job, and being the best man at my dad’s biker
wedding. It was almost a full-time job applying for PhD programs, and I never
imagined that. There were times all I knew to do was to get down on my knees
and pray for insight into what to do next. In those times, I placed faith in
myself and did what I needed to do to move forward.
In the
end, I managed to apply to 5 different Clinical Psychology programs to most of
the major universities here in Florida. And, I will admit to having high hopes;
not that I think my chances are high, because they’re not. My hope is high
because I can confidently say I did my best with all five of those application
submissions and I know they represent the best version of me as I am today.
Even if I don’t get into these programs, I know I can try again next year and I
can still hold my head high. I’ve learned to appreciate the struggle I went
through with this experience, and the fact I was able to even go through this
experience meant the world to me.
********************
One of the most enjoyable
experiences I had this year was attending the 41st Annual Conference
for the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation, “The
Healing Power of Dignity in the Treatment and Research of Complex Trauma and
Dissociation.” I took on the wonderful opportunity of volunteering as a
live-streaming moderator for some amazing speakers at this conference. I, of
course, attended many eye-opening presentations at the conference and met and
connected with more awesome people in the field of trauma and dissociation. I
was also able to meet and connect more with my sponsor for the organization,
Michael. I started the conference with an empty notebook and ended it with 25+
of those pages already filled. At this conference, I discovered that I am not
the only person to understand dissociation through chaos theory and understood
that my research is meant to expand upon this perspective.
The conference was held in Texas,
and I stayed at a relatively nice Airbnb in Frisco (near the DFW area). There
was a train track that was noisy, but the other guests in the house were
friendly and quiet. While coincidentally eating dinner together, I learned that
one guest was from Brazil traveling around the country as a backpacker. The
food she cooked was smelly but intriguing enough to warrant curiosity.
Ironically, the trips there and
back were somewhat traumatic for me. I’m learning with age that I do not travel
on planes well. Once in the sky, I became very disoriented and experienced
intense vertigo. With everything in motion, I became motion sick during the
entirety of both trips. Thankfully, I knew to warn the flight attendant and was
respectful of those sitting near me by letting them know of my issue.
Thankfully, everyone was so kind to me and a few people even gave me a pat on
the back on the way off the plane. The wealthy lady sitting next to me, who
spent most of the flight being friendly with the older gentleman next to the
window, asked me, “Do you have anymore flights after this?” I looked at her
with such sick glee, gesturing no at my neck, “I am DONE!”
Even
with experiencing motion sickness there and back, I gave myself grace and took
it easy after the flights. I felt better after a good sleep, and I was able to
resume enjoying the conference. Attending this conference was an experience
that took me out of my comfort zone, especially with moderating and meeting new
people. However, the whole purpose was to take me out of my comfort zone so
that I can grow. This conference certainly expanded my knowledge of trauma and
dissociation, but it also contributed significantly towards my goal of coming
out of my shell. [Note: fun fact, this personal metaphor is partly why I have
such a fascination with snails and slugs and feel connected to them.]
********************
Next, I suppose I should detail my
weight loss. Deciding to take my physical health seriously happened about 5
years ago, but it mostly consisted of stretching and doing yoga. I was
connecting more to my body and seeing what I needed to work on and decided to
make the lifestyle changes necessary in October of 2023. By the time I turned
26 years old, I had already lost 15+ lbs and was finally just under 200 lbs.
Sometimes, it is hard for me to
comprehend that I’ve spent this entire year not drinking Dr. Pepper, Mountain
Dew, or any other carbonated beverage with high fructose corn syrup. I’ve also
not drank any drink with any added sugar, including coffee with creamer and
artificial juices. This is hard to comprehend because these were the drinks
that I almost exclusively drank. Hell, even the local Circle K nicknamed me,
“Mr. Polar Pop” because I would come in everyday to buy one or more.
I knew that I needed to drink
water. I also knew that water was necessary for my skin to repair itself during
weight loss. I did not know that switching to water would have such a dramatic
shift on my metabolism. You always read about things to drink or foods to eat
to boost your metabolism, but for me, it was as simple as drinking the water I
was supposed to be drinking. I’ve drank at least 3-5 bottles worth of water
each day, and there have been days lately that water is all I’ll drink in a
day. Most days, however, I do end the evening rewarding myself with no
sugar-added fruit juices like orange juice, apple juice, or pineapple juice or
milk.
I used to advocate that I would
make my own carbonated beverage using club soda and sugar-free flavor packets.
I used to use these as my “end of the day” drink for about 6+ months, which was
fundamentally used to address both my addiction to sugar in soda and my
addiction to the bubbly, or effervescent, sensation in my mouth by drinking
soda. Making my own carbonated beverages was highly successful in curbing these
addictive qualities. I don’t feel the need to drink a soda anymore, and I don’t
even bother buying club soda to make this beverage anymore.
I ended up reaching my goal, which
was meticulously coordinated mainly as an effort not to lose too much weight
too quickly. I set a goal for myself to not lose any more than 5 lbs per month,
and this threshold was used to modify my behavior with each month going
forward. There is even an addiction to the scale that naturally comes with
losing weight, which I learned from attempting to lose weight about 10 years
ago. I made sure to weigh myself only once per month to mitigate this, and I
made sure to abide by the boundaries I’ve set for myself to lose weight in the
healthiest way possible.
The
effort, so far, was mostly mental, which meant that I had to not just practice self-discipline
but live by it and allow it to shape my life. It was truly transformative and
such a healing experience for me shedding the weight that I knew was not part
of who I was. The exhilarating thing for me is that this is only just the
beginning. Reaching this weight loss goal was just a rite of passage to the
next stage of progress, and that is to build strength and coordination.
********************
Even with all my milestones reached
and achievements met, the year still came with unexpected hardship. I had a
hard lesson to learn that opened my eyes to a new perspective on love. It was a
magical experience for me mostly in that I wasn’t sure if my heart would be
able to feel love again. I spent most of the year alone, and it has been a few
years since the trauma of my ex-boyfriend. I spent a lot of time healing my
heart and re-discovering myself, learning how to communicate with myself and my
needs. In doing so, I ended up meeting someone special and my heart opened up
for the first time. It was a captivating experience for me; almost as if I was
under some spell. It was not something I was searching for, and the intensity
caught me by surprise. Somehow, he was everything that I thought I wanted. Unfortunately,
he had a tortured soul that was still learning how to navigate and grow from
his poor circumstances. In the end, I was simply ghosted by this individual,
never to hear from him again.
The
experience ended up being extremely painful, which prompted me to reflect and
analyze on the circumstances and qualities that contributed towards my initial attraction
and subsequent attachment. It felt like I had just put a hole in my own heart,
and I needed to work to understand my own psychology to heal myself. In this
experience, I learned that I have healed and allowed my heart to be vulnerable
to the wrong person. I also learned it is simply who I am to be genuine and
approach the world with an open heart, and this is a quality I must protect
from the wrong person. I learned the hard way that choosing your partner is the
most important decision you will ever have to make in your life. This was a
lesson I should have learned a long time ago, and now I have a more informed
approach to dating and finding a partner as a gay man.
I have
chosen to not remain bitter and have personally forgiven his actions for my own
well-being. I learned to appreciate this experience as an essential life lesson
and feel more connected to the hidden aspects of myself that were revealed to
me from this experience. Moving forward, I have assumed the role of protecting
my heart and that means learning to be at peace with myself until I find a man
I can be at peace with. I am completely satisfied with my experiences and have
no desire to seek out a boyfriend. I’m happy being single, and I’m finding the
bachelor life is not so bad.
********************
Not all of my pain this year was
unexpected, and I knew going into this year that the hardest part would be
potentially losing my Virginia opossums, Opie and Phoebe. You see, opossums
naturally live very short lives and focus most of their energy in the wild on
reproducing rapidly. In the wild, opossums are generally considered lucky to
make it to their first birthday.
Going into the year, I knew that
Opie and Phoebe would be turning 3 years old, and that is obviously very old
for an animal that naturally lives only 1 year on average. These two are not my
first opossums, and I was familiar with the loss and knew I needed to begin
preparing myself. I thought that I could mentally prepare myself, but you
cannot possibly mentally prepare for death in that way.
It was like they were old just as
quickly as it took them to grow up. I spent the last 6 months giving hospice,
or end-of-life, care to them. Opie was the one to start declining, and then
Phoebe followed about 3 or 4 months later. I told myself when I got them, that
I could only justify keeping them under the terms of giving them the highest
quality care possible, which would likely extend lifespan, and to that when
they began showing signs of old age that they will be granted the privilege of
passing away peacefully. This is something most opossums ever born into this
world never get to experience, and I’m satisfied with myself in that I kept to
my promises.
People will often ask why I keep
opossums if they live such short lives, and it is an easy answer for me:
Opossums live short lives because that is the natural order dictated by their
role in the environment. Does this mean that they do not deserve love, or does
this not mean that their time in this world must be cherished? Opossums are
incredible animals which represent an ancient lineage of mammals older than
humans. We must not demand more of them and love them as they are. "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."--Lord, Alfred Tennyson.
I am sad to say that Opie, my
beloved jack, or male, opossum has since passed away. He was the best opossum a
guy could ask for, and I know for certain he loved me just as much as I loved
him. We were each other’s best friends which grew a unique bond built from
mutual respect and love. He will forever live in my heart, and I’m going to
miss giving him tender, love, and care.
Thankfully, Phoebe, my jill opossum,
is still with me and currently still living her best life. She has since lost
most of her vision with age, but her whiskers have grown longer allowing her to
carefully navigate her environment with relative ease. Opossums have poor
vision in general, so her loss of eyesight isn’t particularly abnormal or
debilitating. Phoebe is still full of life, and she currently requires a much
lower level of hospice care compared to Opie. I’m not sure how much longer she
has with me, but I’m cherishing every night I have with her all the same.
********************
I
just looked at the clock, and it’s just turned 4 AM on December 24th,
2024. That means it is Christmas Eve and no longer my birthday. I got home
around 9 PM and talked with my cousin for a bit, then started writing again to
finish. I still have the fireplace burning video playing on my TV, and an old
40’s Christmas record is playing from my speaker. I ended up working a short
day at work today, feeding insects to geckos and greens to skinks and
tortoises. I got to talk to my Nanny, who is currently in the hospital; she
wished me a happy birthday and we chatted for about 20 minutes. My family
invited me over after work and threw me a small birthday celebration which I
really appreciated and enjoyed very much.
My family got me some really great
books on the topic of dissociation: one being a memoir of a lawyer telling his
story on how he navigated having dissociative identity disorder, and the other
being a clinical guide for therapists on how to treat dissociation in clients.
They got me a cookie cake with candles that I obviously blew out and made a
wish. (Which will remain a secret for it to come true!) I was also surprised with
art supplies, and another cookie cake, by a wonderful friend. I ended up having
a very peaceful birthday, and my family and friends were successful in making
me feel special.
********************
I understand that 27 will likely be
a very treacherous year for me, having to deal with the uncertainty of my
future. At this point, I have no idea which university I’ll end up at, or even
if I will end up at a university at 27. It is a lot different from when I
turned 26, knowing exactly what was going to happen—I was able to mentally
prepare and have the whole year planned out. But I am starting this year with
crossing my fingers, hoping that everything will work out for the best. However,
I’m starting this year on Plan A, and I’m overjoyed by that no matter the
uncertainty.
Now that I’ve reached these milestones,
I look forward to having the time to dedicate myself to the activities that
will continue developing who I am. With that, I will be taking a deeper dive
into the ISST-D with my involvement, as well focusing more on my art and
continuing to reconnect with myself as a musician. I will also be taking a
deeper dive into the exotic animal industry and staying true to my passions and
endeavors with animals and business. And, of course, I will be continuing to
drink water to improve my health and taking the next steps towards new fitness goals.
I stayed busy the entire year, and
most of that time was spent alone. The support and love I received from the
people in my life during my year as 26 is ultimately how I was able to buckle
down and make this such an unforgettable year that I knew it would be. For
that, I am thankful for the people who were patient with me in dealing with my
unconventional life. Now that my birthday has concluded, I suppose that means
that was my last cup of chocolate milk until 28. May it be another magical year
for me until then. Cheers.
D.W. 2024